BY KENNY CASH AND CHARLIE BANKROLL
Coming in fat and happy off the busiest party week of the year, we’re *refreshed* and ready to get back to stacking. Even heroes need their time off.
Speaking of glorious returns – He is back. Yahweh. Jesus. Joshua. Whatever you prefer to call him, Mr. Gordon is putting on football cleats and playing football in a football game, this Sunday (the Lord’s Day – coincidence?). We’re betting the house on the Browns. Lock of the year. Rejoice!!
Here’s a quick rundown on the locks of Week 13:
- Cleveland Browns +14
- Seattle Seahawks ML +220
- Ohio State -6
- Miami vs. Clemson, Under 46.5
- Georgia +2
NFL Week 13
Cleveland Browns +14 at Los Angeles Chargers
Yes, yes. Here we are once more. Vegas puts an absurd line out there, daring us to take Cleveland. We’ve done it before. We’ve been burned before. We all have. HOWEVER – Josh Gordon is returning to the field in this game. The Chargers, though they’ve strung together a few wins in a Hail Mary for respectability, are the only NFL team to have lost to the Browns in the past two years. The only more Chargers move than losing to the Browns last year to get Cleveland to 1-15 is doing the same thing one more time. This should stay interesting until late and Cleveland should at least get the cover.
Pick: Browns +14
Philadelphia Eagles at Seattle Seahawks, Seahawks ML +220
This Philadelphia team has quickly become the class of the league, blowing out opponents with crooked scores and stepping on the necks of mediocre competition. This matchup is one of their toughest yet, facing a Seattle team that’s not yet ready to go away and continues to maintain one of the toughest home-field advantages in sports.
Despite some costly injuries in the Seattle secondary, the Seahawks’ surprisingly effective depth at corner and safety, along with dominant linebacker play led by superstar MLB Bobby Wagner, has kept the defense afloat.
This is a “prove it” game for an Eagles team with supposed Super Bowl aspirations, and a chance for Russell and Carson to prove their MVP bona fides.
Pick: Seahawks ML +220
Ohio State -6 at Wisconsin
Big 10 football: many very large dudes grunting and shoving each other for 60 minutes while the world asks itself why this conference gets an essentially automatic playoff bid each year. Everyone is overthinking this game, and the truth is we don’t think either one of these teams is very good. OSU QB JT Barrett consistently pads his stats against terrible teams and has somehow fooled everyone into thinking he’s “elite.” Meanwhile Wisconsin QB Hornibrook is the Blake Bortles of the NCAA (big, unwieldy, loves TGIFridays, shines in garbage time) and is running into a defense better than any he’s faced all season. Ohio State should win by multiple scores, and lets pray that after it’s over we won’t have to watch either team in the college playoff.
Score Prediction: Buckeyes 28, Badgers 17
Pick: Ohio State -6
Miami at Clemson, Total 46.5
Miami +9.5 is really tempting, however, we’ve lost all faith in this beat-up offense. Take the under here – let these teams play five quarters, the over still wouldn’t hit.
Score Prediction: Tigers 21, ‘Canes 10
Pick: Under 46.5
Georgia +2 vs. Auburn
Auburn has looked like one of the best teams in the country recently, taking down multiple number-one-ranked teams in consecutive weeks. With rumors of their head coach leaving and an inevitable emotional let down in the forecast, we’re going with preseason number one Georgia to establish its playoff claim with a close win in the Georgia Dome. Look for a steady diet of bruising Georgia runners.
Score Prediction: Bulldogs 21, Tigers 20
Pick: Georgia +2