By Kenny Cash & Charlie Bankroll
Alright, what are we doing here? Are you here for NBA news? Are you here for updates in the Mariners’ minor league system? Or are you here for that something that has remained elusive—gambling advice that will actually make you money.
We know what you’re thinking.
- “Why are these guys yelling through text?”
- “Who are these clowns?”
- “Based on statistics, sports gambling is a losing endeavor!”
All fair points to raise, but we believe that if you consider the traits of a winner, you’ll realize that you too are eligible for unlimited free money. And thus, we present you the ten laws that form the manifesto for any committed degenerate.
1. Have irrational confidence in teams you support.
This is an absolute must. You don’t have it? Quit now. If your first thought as a Mariners fan when you look and see Gallardo on the mound isn’t “Moneyline is gonna be juicy,” just get out now.
2. Don’t listen to talk radio.
Gambling is becoming more and more mainstream, but that just means there are more people being given a platform to give you their locks of the week (we realize the irony here). This doesn’t mean they have a better grasp on gambling as a whole.
If we ask you why the Cavs are going to cover a spread, we don’t want to hear that Jalen Rose said, “Lebron is taking this game personal.” Cris Carter and Terry Bradshaw know a lot about football, but they can’t tell you how many points home field advantage is worth. Make your picks before you let a guy on TV influence your bank account because he could throw a spiral 30 years ago.
3. Work the parlay.
Yeah. We know what you’re saying. Placing $100 to win $90 on a lock sets you up to lose.
That’s why the real pros parlay. You don’t like $100 to win $90? How about $10 for a million? Easy. Hit a 20-leg parlay. Hi h8ers.
4. Gambling is a drinking sport.
You ever sit down at a blackjack table in Vegas and not order a drink when you hear a way past-her-prime waitress ask, “Cocktail?” Us neither. Same thing works for sports gambling.
You drink when you’re losing because you’re nervous, you drink when you’re losing because you’re pissed, you drink when you’re winning because you’re winning. As Cheers taught us, you’re always sharper after a couple beers. So not only is drinking and gambling more fun, it’s smart.
5. Liven up the action.
Need to kill some time? Throw down on J-League soccer/New Zealand curling/university gymnastics/your neighborhood little league. Bet the line and and reap the benefits of actually having a rooting interest.
6. Be a details guy.
Andrew Miller is a two-inning save expert with a 97 MPH fastball and a nasty slider that routinely paints black.
Michael Bisping has a 63% critical strike ratio.
The typical super bowl national anthem lasts 127.43 seconds.
If you know that type of shit, it’s only right you get money.
7. Lose a big bet? Double down. ABC—Always Be Chasing.
We have all been there. You bet two units on the Browns to cover a 10-point spread because you didn’t fathom just how terrible they were. By halftime they’re down by 24 and you feel like an absolute moron for betting on the dual threat of RGIII and Terrelle Pryor. You can’t end your day because you lost one big bet. Pick yourself up and bet four units on the Cowboys laying six in the night game. If you can’t lay down the smart money after a loss, this may not be for you.
8. Entice any and all friends into betting. They’re suckers.
Your natural reaction to any challenge should be to try to entice your friend to a money-line bet. You know more than they do.
9. Nationally televised games are where us pros stack.
Every shitty friend of yours (see above) that claims they know everything about the NFL is going to bet the TV games. There are a more than enough people who think this way, they won’t spend time finding value in the Jags-Titans AFC South dirtfight but they will tell you that the Packers are going to “kill” the Bears because “A-Rod is the GOAT.” Your friend and every other public Joe are going to bet the cheese heads, and by the time that game comes around the public will have pushed the line a full point in the wrong direction. That’s when we come in, take the sharp side, and laugh that the chumps didn’t know the entire offensive line was hurt.
10. Enjoy your free money.
If you like taking dolts for everything they have, gambling is for you. There are sharks, whales, and guppies. Choose your destiny.